Hyper Sensitivity

For the second time in about a month, I started crying when one of my teachers took me aside and criticized my work in his class. I didn't mean to cry-- And I'm not one who tears up very often-- but he just always seems to strike a nerve with me. I know that sometimes I don't turn in my best work, and that sometimes I can be very forgetful, but I don't often have anyone say anything about it. I suppose that's why when he does, I just break down. He starts being critical, my eyes glaze over, and I shift my focus to something that is just oh so interesting to the side of his head. This is my usual battle plan with conflict. I just attempt to agree with what they're saying, and I nod a bit, but I keep myself from caring. It's not that I'm not listening to their concerns-- I am-- it's just that I do not want to cry. My well-rehearsed tactics never seem to work with him, though. When I finally got the strangled tears to stop falling down my face, he said something.

"I can see you're a very sensitive girl-- No, that doesn't even matter.-- You're a very sensitive person. And that's good. It tells me that you're sensitive to who and what is going on around you. That's a good thing."

His statement really rings true for me on a personal level, and throughout the day I just couldn't stop thinking about how my level of sensitivity effects my life. I keep a rather aloof, composed demeanor, but my foundation has it's flaws. Whether it's the fact that I can't stand wool against my skin, or that loud sounds send me into a mild state of panic, or that people fall into my heart too quickly, or that bright lights give me headaches, or that the pencil always feels 'all wrong' in my hand, I'm sensitive. I'm sensitive to everything around me, and I'm sensitive to myself. When I was young, the doctor suggested 'hyper sensitivity', as I aged, she suggested 'Asperger's syndrome'. I don't know if either of these things contain any validity for me. I don't see my sensitivity as an issue, but more as a part of myself. I don't often know how other people are responding, when it comes to things like body language, but I just feel an emotion. Sometimes there's no rationale behind it. It's just a feeling.

I tend to try to hide this, of course. I act as though nothing in the world bothers me. Little things that you may see as nothing more than an inconvenience, I see as something so much more. Chalk dust on my hands? Awful. No reply to a text message? Worry. Missing a homework assignment? Panic. It's not logical, and I know that I should never react the way I do, but it's something uncontrollable. My heart races, and my mind runs, and my throat constricts, and I feel something. I wonder why I'm like this. My sensitivity causes me issues with people. My ex boyfriend didn't understand my guilt, and incapability to be yelled at. And I'm sure that certain people don't understand why I have the urge to text them goodnight wishes before bed. It's just the way I am. I'm the friend of the group who smiles and gives a lot of hugs, and I'm the one who bakes cookies for you on your birthday, and I'm the one who kindly insists that everyone shut up for just one moment.

I'm a little strange, but hopefully, that can be seen as a positive by someone other than myself and my teacher.
-Violet.